A632.6.3.RB - The High Cost of Conflict_SharpMelissa


Communication is one of favorite topics. I value communication because I value listening to others; I value learning about others; I value sharing my story, and I value being heard. I believe that communication is a cathartic expression of story-telling through writing, words, silence, music, and so much more. I can think of instances when I’ve truly listened to someone, but I want to focus on a more recent interaction because I had this RB activity in mind.
I had coffee with a friend this week; we hadn’t seen each other in about a month and we wanted to catch up. As my friend began sharing about her work and personal experiences, I paid attention to my behavior. I sat quietly and attentively as she told her story. Instead of thinking about my responses, I just listened. In actively listening (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015), I noticed that there were moments of silence. Instead of being awkward, the moments of silence were purposeful. The silence gave my friend the time she needed to fully process what she wanted to say; the silence also allowed me to process what had been said. When I was actively listening to my friend, I made a conscience effort to hear what she was saying (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015). In making a conscience effort to listen, I believe I retained more information.

As my friend was speaking, I had several thoughts; however, I put my thoughts on hold as to focus on listening to her (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015). When she finished, I provided feedback in the form of asking questions and paraphrasing to make sure I understood (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015). We were in a coffee shop so potential distractions surrounded us; however, in deciding to conscientiously listen, I tuned-out the distractions and paid attention to my friend’s words.  Between the excitement of conducting communication-research and conscientiously listening to my friend, I felt deeply connected to our conversation.

As I said, I value communication and I try to be a good listener; however, I sometimes catch myself thinking about what I will say next, not fully engaged in the conversation, or interrupting others (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015). Since I know these are bad communication habits, I stop the behavior when I am aware of it. Overall, I believe that I am a good communicator; I have also been told that I listen and communicate well. However, this experience taught me that I have room to grow. For example, when I allowed my friend to tell her story, the anxiety to “talk next” went away. I no longer felt like I needed to prepare my words because the focus was on listening to her, not being heard. In listening to my friend, she then wanted me to tell my story. In giving her the time that she needed to speak, she then wanted to give me what I had given her. I was delighted and surprised by my friend’s reaction.  

While working on this exercise, I reflected on the “good communicators” in my life. As I started writing down their names, I asked myself, “what qualities make these individuals good communicators?”. A few of the qualities are listed below:
  1. They don’t interrupt (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015)
  2. I feel heard
  3. They ask follow-up questions (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015)
  4. They seem truly concerned
  5. They don’t talk over me- this is my pet peeve because I feel like I’m fighting to get words in and it’s exhausting
  6. They pay attention via eye contact and nonverbal cues (Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening, 2015)
  7. They don’t consistently dominate the exchange- there is equal sharing and listening in most interactions
  8. They allow me to process my words and thoughts
  9. They listen with their eyes, ears, and heart (Levine, 2009, p.111)


Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening . (2015, June 12). Retrieved from YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2z9mdX1j4A&feature=youtu.be
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution: Turning conflict into collaboration (2nd ed.). Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc.

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